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a letter to a lost friend

July 11, 2006

please excuse the diversion from mommy posts…

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Dear Keith,

This morning at 5am, Alex woke up. He didn’t cry but I heard him cooing in his crib and I knew he would be hungry, so I got up. I went into his room and I looked into the crib and he was looking at the stars and the moon with the hat on his mobile, looking peaceful and content like he was having a conversation with the universe. He saw my face and smiled. One of those big smiles that melts your heart. I said good morning and I picked him up. He snuggled into me and we sat down in the rocker so I could give him a bottle. He intermittently ate and smiled at me. When he was done he snuggled in and once again drifted off to sleep.

One year ago today, Dave and I conceived what would become this beautiful boy.

One year ago today, we lost you.

It was too soon. It is still too soon. It hurt then and it hurts now. I have so much to tell you and so much to show you and every now and then.. ok more than now and then.. I need you to kick my ass into gear (I know what you are saying.. I should kick my own damn ass into gear).

I still hear your lessons in my head. Your sage advice mixed in with expletives about the lazy and unmotivated people in the world. Some people only heard the expletives, I only heard the compassion.

I miss you. Every day. I think I always will. I am sad that you never got to meet Dave… or Alex. I am so sad that you are not here.

We’re keeping an eye on Melissa. I can see why you loved her so much. She is wonderful and amazing and strong. Today she is with people who also loved you and I hope they can all be of comfort to each other. I wish I could have been with them today. I should share with her some of the music you and I talked about.

I will try not to cry today, but I dont make any promises. I know you’d kick my ass if I cried at work.

Forever your friend,

Liz

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